If you thought I was done and there were simply no more bad Christmas movies for me to roast like chestnuts on an open fire, guess again.
Pour yourself a large glass of eggnog and get ready, because I’m about to review 10 more terrible Christmas movies that you can torture your family with this holiday season, and there’s some real lumps of coal on this year’s list.
10. Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)
I always try to include one Christmas-themed horror movie, and this year’s pick is a dull and dreary slasher where a robot Santa goes haywire and starts killing everyone in sight. While the movie has a cool premise, it definitely took some eggnog to help me get through the first 30 minutes of nonstop pop culture references and f bombs before the action finally happens. The kills weren’t impressive at all, and the film is so poorly lit that it’s hard to really see anything. The lead actress gave an admittedly good performance, but her presence isn’t enough to save Christmas Bloody Christmas from making the list this year.
9. Casper’s Haunted Christmas (2002)
I loved the original 1995 Casper movie when I was a kid, so I was kind of intrigued by this sequel when I stumbled upon a DVD copy of it at a thrift store. However, only when I put it on and started to watch it did I realize that it wasn’t a live-action movie. Instead, what I got was a cheaply made CGI blunderfest! Yes, the animation sucks, and the “romance” where Casper falls for a real life girl is ridiculously presented. The only reason I made it to the end of this “movie” was the eggnog kept refilling in my glass without me having to pour it. Thanks, Casper. You’re a true friend.
8. Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish (1998)
Okay, I actually enjoyed Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish. Again, I was a big fan of the 1994 Richie Rich movie starring a young Macauley Culkin, so I had high hopes going into this one, and thanks to chugging some eggnog before the credits even rolled, I had a good time with it. After Richie Rich’s evil cousin Reggie tries to murder him while he’s in the middle of delivering presents to an orphanage, Richie uses a wishing machine to wish that he was never born, sending him into an alternate reality where Reggie rules the city of Richville with an iron fist. The film has some fun and creative set pieces, and it’s fairly faithful to the Harvey Comics version of Richie Rich. With all that said, I’m not going to deny that it’s a bad Christmas movie, which is why it made the list this year.
7. Elf-Man (2012)
What do I even have to say about Elf-Man… For starters, it features Jackass member Jason “Wee Man” Acuna as a bitter elf who’s forced by Santa to help fulfill a little girl’s Christmas wish to make her family happy again. The film is a boring mess, devoid of any real laughs, and after five minutes of watching it, I wanted to start injecting eggnog directly into my vein in order to help get me through it. On the plus side, it did feature one of my favourite actors of all time. Jeffrey Combs, of Reanimator fame, always makes for a fun and devious villain, but even he couldn’t save this one from stinking up the joint worse than the smell of a burnt turkey in your family’s oven. Avoid at all costs.
6. Yogi’s First Christmas (1980)
I used to love watching Yogi’s First Christmas when I was a little kid. I begged my parents every Christmas to get to watch it, and my mom always made sure I was allowed to rent the VHS tape from Vaso’s Videos when the season finally arrived. I hadn’t seen it since I was maybe eight or nine-years-old, so this year I finally made the decision to put it on and see if my childhood memories still held up. Sadly, they didn’t. While I was decently amused during the runtime, watching Yogi Bear and his friends try to stop Herman the hermit from ruining Christmas at the lodge just didn’t have that same Christmas magic anymore. Combined with a few glasses of eggnog, I did start to feel a little bit sentimental for my childhood though, which was a nice feeling this time of the year.
5. Christmas in Connecticut (1992)
Most people probably have no idea there’s a remake of the original 1945 Christmas in Connecticut. Even weirder than that, it’s directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger! I found a VHS tape of this movie while out thrifting in Port McNeill, and I knew it was going to the make the list before I put it on to watch. Arnold does a decent job as a director, but the script is an absolute mess. The jokes fall flat, the acting is weak, and the story about a cooking show host who can’t actually cook was tough to follow. Maybe I had too much eggnog, but I just found it really hard to sit through, so much so that I almost fell asleep.
4. Prancer: A Christmas Tale (2022)
I’m a huge fan of the original 1989 Prancer. When I heard there was a remake of it I really didn’t want to watch it, but because I write this list of bad Christmas movies every year, I forced myself to pour a big glass of eggnog, turn on Crave and start streaming. It’s basically a reboot for the new generation, but it has none of the charm and Christmas spirit that the original still yields. Basically, a 10-year-old girl and her grumpy grandfather meet a mysterious animal who might be Santa’s reindeer Prancer. I felt like I lost 105 minutes of my life after watching this, and I was so annoyed when it ended that I immediately put on the original and relived my childhood all over again, back when filmmaking still held some actual magic.
3. A Dennis The Menace Christmas (2007)
You can’t go wrong with Dennis the menace. Okay, maybe you can, but this follow up to the 1993 John Hughes classic was so bad it was actually hilarious. There’s something about Dennis innocently terrorizing his neighbour Mr. Wilson that just appeals to me, and when you throw in Christmas, the eggnog quickly started flowing and I admittedly laughed the whole way through this cheaply made sequel. After Dennis causes $45,000 worth of damage to Mr. Wilson’s house while trying to get him into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Wilson is visited by an angel who helps him decide to forgive Dennis. Mr. Wilson incredibly rips up the bill, because, well, it’s Christmas. Personally, if a little kid caused 45 grand worth of damage to my condo, he’d be paying me back until he was an old man, but hey, that’s just me. I guess Mr. Wilson is a better man than I am.
2. 12 Dates of Christmas (2011)
I normally would have never watched this movie, but when I found out it had Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell in it, I had to give it a spin. Basically, Amy Smart stars as a young woman who has to re-live the same first date on Christmas Eve over and over again, until she ends up getting it right. Sadly, there’s no Zack Morris shenanigans in this, Mark-Paul Gosselaar plays a nice guy named Miles, and it’s actually Amy Smart who has to learn the errors of her ways. This is a bit of a ripoff of Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day set during Christmas, and it’s your basic rom-com that’s a little too sweet and runs a little too long. The eggnog helped me get through it. Passable, but certainly not memorable.
1. Stealing Christmas (2003)
Tony Danza “steals” the show here as a thief on the run who’s mistaken as a Santa for hire. Danza decides to continue to play along as Santa, while at the same time planning to rob a small town’s bank. I had an enjoyable time with this one, and it really gave me a boost in the Christmas spirit department when Danza finally learns the errors of his ways. I will say that the feel good ending is absolutely ridiculous. The plot just gets tied up way too neatly at the end, almost like a frilly bow on a Christmas present. Maybe that was the point though? Who knows. I only had to have one eggnog while watching it, so I suppose it’s got that going in its favour.
Tyson Whitney is an avid fan of cinema and the editor of the North Island Gazette newspaper in Port Hardy
