Scientists send a message to the nearest planet in a habitable zone (the right distance from its star for life to be possible) light years away.
Within a few years a response is sent in the form of an invading alien scout force.
The aliens are bipedal humanoids who arrive in aquatic vehicles akin to pond skimming bugs. Fortunately for the planet, they land near Hawaii where the navies of the world are conducting exercises, that quickly become real.
We say, “Don’t encourage them.”
TAYLOR: This movie cost $209 million to make and you can see the budget in the special effects, they’re well done. Unfortunately the script is laughably bad and some of the acting is terrible. Taylor Kitsch the hero of the tale, fares reasonably considering the limited scope of the film, but if he wants to be taken seriously in the movie biz, he’d better find himself a vehicle that isn’t a flop.
HOWE: Laughable is an understatement. The acting was so bad it made the real marines who starred in Act of Valor look like seasoned actors. Alexander Skarsgård who plays Kitsch’s brother, Commander Stone Hopper, made me cringe and hurt my ears. All he did was shout.
TAYLOR: Well the comic-book guys of the world aren’t too concerned with bad acting, and that is who this movie is for: the 14 year old, or the 14 year old at-heart. It’s chock full of over-zealous machismo, bravado, testosterone and toys.
HOWE: And Rihanna.
TAYLOR: Yes, 14 year olds.
HOWE: I did notice there is a small tie-in to the game, it lasted a whole two minutes, but it was a nice touch and it was clever how they did it.
TAYLOR: No it wasn’t. It made me laugh. Did you notice how he called out, say, “Bravo six” when the appropriate square lit up, yelled, “Fire,” missed, then repeated the whole process twice more, without changing a thing, yet somehow, the third time it worked?
HOWE: Yeah, but that is how the game plays. If they didn’t have that part in the film, it wouldn’t be called Battleship. It would of been something like Warboat or Tussledingy.
TAYLOR: Another thing that bothered me about the plot was that the aliens could obviously destroy anything and anyone, and seemed to have that as their intention, yet for some unknown reason, they would let some people live. The logic does not follow, (pardon me for searching for logic in this crapfest of a movie.)
HOWE: I am a little surprised that Universal didn’t make this 3D. Flying metal, explosions and huge spacecraft would of been perfect for it, but special effects and gimmicks can only take a movie so far. I have heard they are in talks with the makers of Mousetrap. They want to make Mousetrap: Battle for the Cheese.
–– Taylor gives Battleship 1.5 scriptwriting lessons out of 5.
–– Howe gives it 1.5 bloody footballers out of 5.
The film is currently showing at the Galaxy Cinemas in Vernon.
–– Brian Taylor and Peter Howe are movie critics living in Vernon.
