Editor’s note: The following is from The Compassionate Friends.
Bereaved parents and siblings must heal from the inside out, and most do if given time. It is not a secret that grief and loss are not high on anyone’s priority to talk about. No one is really ever comfortable talking about grief.
There is one person, though, who really needs to talk about it, should talk about it, and would be helped by talking about it and that is the person who is grieving themselves.
So, therein lays our dilemma but also the solution.
Notice I said people are uncomfortable talking about grief except for the grieving person? That’s the answer. The rest of us don’t have to talk — we would do the grieving person a much bigger favour if we just listened. And listened readily with no judgment, inappropriate reactions, platitudes, suggestions, or anything other than a sympathetic, patient ear and, if appropriate, a warm hug. When a relative or friend says something like “Cheer up,” it minimalizes the feelings of the bereaved person; to the bereaved it really is that bad or even worse. A better statement to validate their feelings would be “I know the death of your child/brother/sister must make you terribly sad, and you have the right to be.” This statement does not make unrealistic demands at a time when it may be impossible for the bereaved to meet other’s expectations. Sure we want them to cheer up and be happy‚ because we love them but maybe right now they just can’t do it. Give the bereaved space and time to work out their feelings.
The bereaved person needs an outlet for their grief that is safe, anonymous, confidential and non-judgmental where they do not feel vulnerable, where they feel comfortable to let go, and where they feel comforted. That’s what The Compassionate Friends (TCF) strives to offer bereaved parents.
TCF members cannot provide easy answers or solutions — or ways to avoid the pain. There are no quick fixes in grief, no shortcuts or detours around our grief work. What we do offer one another is an opportunity to be with other parents who have endured the same pain and survived — others who have been there and can say, “Me too,” when you describe your frustration, your confusion, your impatience with trivial matters which threaten to consume your energy, your anger at the injustice of your child’s death.
What TCF offers is the chance to learn about ourselves as we confront our grief and as we recognize ourselves in some part of another parent’s story or another parent’s pain.
TCF meetings are held on the last Thursday of the month at 7 p.m. at the People Place, 3400-27th Ave. in Vernon. For more information please contact any of the following: Darlene at 250-558-5026 in Vernon or Kelli at 1-250-379-2465 in Falkland.
Although older siblings are most welcome to attend the TCF meeting it would be more beneficial to them if they could share other siblings’ stories, so depending on the interest level a TCF sibling group could be started this year. If you are interested please contact Darlene.
