The biggest fear I hear communicated when talking to people as they are aging is that a time may come when a move into a “nursing home” happens to them.
To many, it represents a complete loss of freedom, independence and connection to all that they love and find comfort in. The fact is, there is a lot of truth in that statement. However, sometimes it is a move that becomes necessary and that is reality for a number of reasons that are very valid, despite the intense pain of it.
We all like to avoid pain, but life has a way of giving us opportunities to delve into it and have to deal with it, whether we like it or not.
Having gone through this transition with my own Mom, I want to share some of the survival tips that my sister and I discovered together over that journey that others may find helpful.
You feel a tremendous amount of guilt as a family caregiver who now has to make decisions that so strongly affect the life of a parent you love. The more engaged you are in the nuts and bolts of the actual move and the resulting life adjustments that ongoing caregiving and advocating brings, determines the level of opportunity there is for learning and ultimately uncovering some things you probably need to know about yourself.
Dealing with the health care system: Yes it is challenging, because you feel that you have no control and really you don’t. That does not mean that you can’t be fully informed and ask questions, acting as an advocate for your parent all along the process by not being afraid to speak up to gain knowledge.
You are your parent’s eyes and ears and arms and legs in many cases when you are facing this transition and that does place a high level of responsibility on your shoulders.
Buck up and take lots of deep breaths to remain calm and not projective as you learn the facts. The truth is that in many situations, your parent will first go to what is called “The first available bed.” This means that even though you get to choose one facility that is your preferred choice, there is a waiting period to get there if you want a subsidized care site.
Accept this inevitability, unless you are willing to seek a private pay option that usually runs around $6,000 per month.
Helpful resource: Planning For Your Care Needs: Help In Selecting A Residential Care Facility/Booklet published by the Ministry of Health available at: http://www.health.gov.bc.ca.
Dealing with your own emotional reactions: This is a stressful time for everyone concerned. Stress is often our reaction to fear and feeling out of control. It can also be that old buttons are getting triggered from the past. This transition will bring out the good, the bad and the ugly in the family dynamic mobile.
Dealing with stress is learning what these triggers are and not taking things personally. Stop, breathe, reflect and listen to what is going on inside of you. If conflict arises, see what is yours and what is not.
Be compassionate with yourself and with others. If anger overtakes you, get this energy out of the way with some good aerobic exercise or pound in a pillow while taking deep breaths in between.
Emotions are meant to be felt and moved. Cry when you need to, as there is tremendous loss present for everyone as you go through this process.
Establishing routines and settling in: Learning the culture of the particular residential care site your parent goes to means developing relationships with the staff right from the get go. You feel like a duck out of water, but forge into the unfamiliar and reach out.
Write out the important little things your parent needs and let everyone know about them. Repeat, explain, advocate and persist.
Remember that staff always has a lot to do and everyone is learning about you and your parent. Be patient and kind in your communication. Don’t make assumptions.
Be gentle with yourself during this time of settling in and empathetic to the change and emotions your parent is experiencing. They may feel angry and project that towards you. Breathe, release and respond in a loving way. Let go of control because you don’t have it. Be flexible but uncompromising over the important issues that arise when it comes to being an advocate.
Staying engaged and connected: Develop a routine for visiting and organize days and times with other family members if they are available.
Try using a free family website system if possible for easy communication.
Integrate music they love and tape your own voice in a reading to initiate warm memories for mom or dad.
Get an iPod with earphones and download your parent’s favourite songs to initiate the brain to connect with what reminds them of joy.
Helpful resources: www.lotsahelpinghands.com and www.musicandmemory.org
Remember, you will never get this time back. Embrace this leg of the journey fully and you will reap the rewards.
