I’m worried about my teenaged daughter. Over the last few months something has really changed for her. She’s gotten really belligerent. The only time she speaks to us is to ask for money (more than her allowance) and when I say “no”, she gets really offensive. She won’t tell me what she needs money for.
She’s never been a really strong student. She did try, though. It seems now that she has lost interest. Her last report card was dismal. She’s not turning in homework and missing a lot of classes. It’s a fight every morning to get her up to even go to school. She does get out the door, but I sure wonder who would want to be around her, as she often doesn’t shower – just throws on some clothes from the floor and heads out the door.
I thought teenagers where supposed to be super sensitive to dressing just right. She doesn’t seem to care any more.
It used to be that I would put her clean clothes away when I did the laundry. Not any more. She goes ballistic if I go in her room for anything. I’ve always put her clean clothes away, so this is a real surprise.
I know that teenagers experiment with alcohol. I sure did. She has come home a few times with alcohol on her breath on weekends. I kind of let this go. I’ve also noticed that her room has smelt like old booze a couple of mornings during the week, though. This can’t be good.
I’m at a loss. I was prepared to weather through the teenager years. This is more than I expected. I’m scared. Do I just need to keep hanging in there, or should I be doing something else?
You are absolutely right to be concerned.
The teenage years can be challenging as children move into independence and need to spread their wings out. What you are describing, however, is a step in a different direction. There are many possible explanations for what your daughter is experiencing. The one I’d like to highlight is alcohol abuse.
Yes, teens often do experiment with alcohol. It is available in many family homes. It also has somewhat an air of “respectability” about it. Parents often do expect their teens to try it, as you did.
Where things seem different — and worrisome, is that you are noticing major behavior changes in combination with this experimentation. It is also worrisome that you notice alcohol smells in the room in the morning, during the week.
You describe things one notices when alcohol is an issue. So what to do next?
First of all, recognize that your teen is struggling. Experimentation is one thing; what you are noticing likely has gone beyond experimentation into something else.
It’s not unusual for alcohol to be used as a (not effective) way to manage stress. It may be important to understand what is happening to cause such stress.
Some teens find being a teen in itself more stressful than others. It is also possible that there are things that your teen needs help with, that you don’t even know about.
It’s not unusual for teens to want to deal with things on their own. Their lack of experience though, can lead them to cope in ways that are not healthy, like alcohol abuse.
The John Howard Society in town has information about drug and alcohol abuse in teens, as well as counseling services for teens dealing with these issues. 250-338-7341 is their phone number. They are located on Cliffe and 14th Street. Giving them a call would put you in touch with information and support around what to do next.
If you would like to ask a question of the counsellors, for a response in future columns, e-mail them at askpacific@shaw.ca; or fax the Record at 250-338-5568 or write to them c/o the Record. Consult a Counsellor is provided by the registered clinical counsellors at Pacific Therapy & Consulting: Nancy Bock, Diane Davies, Leslie Wells, Andrew Lochhead and Karen Turner. It appears every second Friday.
