From the time we were young children we were told that when we hurt someone we were supposed to say sorry. For some of us the problem is that we say sorry, but how many of us really mean it?
There are different reasons as to why we might apologize. We may say sorry in order to ease our conscience. Sometimes we say sorry in order to get the other person off our backs: “I said I was sorry. Why do you keep bringing this up? Why don’t you forgive me?” It is a brilliant way to turn the tables, and make the person we offended feel guilty for feeling hurt. We might also say sorry because we can’t stand having someone not like us or feel good about us. By saying sorry we hope to win back their approval or affection towards us. In the end, it is all about us.
A true apology is about taking ownership about what we have done that was wrong, and also demonstrating how what we did must have impacted the other person. You put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and try to identify with what it must have felt like to be him in that moment. An apology, then, might look like the following: “I’m sorry I am late, you must have been worried,” or “You must have been terribly embarrassed when I said those things in front of everyone. I’m very sorry I did that to you.”
Apologizing is not about justifying yourself or making excuses. Again, that is making it about you rather than the other person. While it may be true that you had a good reason to have done what you did, the reality remains that the other is disappointed or upset; their lives have somehow been negatively impacted because of you; they suffer the consequences.
We must not be too quick to apologize, but instead be willing to hear the account from their perspective. In particular, we need to be ready to hear what our wrongdoing cost the other.
Being sorry also means trying to make amends. While you cannot undo what you did, you can make up for it in some way. Did you miss an appointment? Offer to set another one at a time that is convenient for the other person, and make sure you’re there. Were you late for dinner? Offer to clean up afterwards. Did you say something offensive? Go out of your way to express admiration or to pay compliments. Were you abusive? Go see a counsellor who can help you with your temper. Offer to make changes in your behaviour that make it likely that the incident won’t happen again, and then follow through. What making amends does is rebuild the trust that was lost. It demonstrates that you value the relationship as well as the other person. If you can’t do this or refuse to do this, the other person has every reason to believe you have not really repented.
Of course, in any apology, a statement of regret, as well as asking for forgiveness should also be included.
Why is apologizing or repentance so important? Because relationships can’t survive without it. Since none of us are perfect, there is no one who never wrongs another. Why would I risk opening myself up to or depend upon someone who never repents? I need to feel safe (emotionally and physically) first. I need to be able to trust. Apologizing paves the way.
Repentance is also vital in our relationship with God. Why would God want a relationship with someone who repeatedly offends him but never repents? The gospel is that on the cross Jesus pays the price and makes the amends for our offences. We don’t have to justify ourselves or make excuses, but just repent and believe.
Dave Bootsma is a marriage counsellor in Vernon.
