I can’t help it, but I have a morbid fascination with obituaries.
I love to read these mini stories in my newspaper, paying homage to a person’s life well lived.
Sometimes they are brief. Sometimes they lean towards prolixity. But there is one common theme that is obvious upon reading about the dearly departed.
They’re always perfect.
He was a loving husband… a beloved partner… a doting father… He was kind, selfless, generous, caring, thoughtful, altruistic, affectionate, compassionate, sensitive, gentle, considerate…
You get the picture. It seems the deceased are always perfect.
So with Valentine’s Day fast approaching, that is good news for you single Zoomer fellas out there looking for love, as you most definitely are not perfect. There is no need for you to have to compete with perfection as they are all dead!
And there is more good news. I am here to help you in your present living, breathing state of imperfection to find that perfect match.
As it seems everyone is looking for that elusive someone online, I am going to help you write your online profile!
Feel free to steal or borrow liberally. Let’s begin…
I am a lovingly used Zoomer male who is committed to making you happy. Except of course until you want commitment.
I am easy-going and usually good-natured unless my testosterone levels are too low and I become a grumpy old man. I am a great conversationalist as my endless prattling on about myself will attest to. I am at your beck and call, as long as it is something I want to do.
OK, perhaps that was a little harsh. Let me try this again.
I am a gently recycled man who is looking for love. I play hockey with my bros twice a week and hang out with my drinking buddies on the weekends. I like to ride my Harley alone and feel the wind whip through my hair (or what’s left of it).
I enjoy tinkering in my workshop, watching sports on TV and sleeping on the couch in the afternoon. I can make time for you once a week between the hours of noon and 4 p.m., and I could possibly squeeze you in on an occasional Friday night.
Well, this isn’t going as well as I had planned. Let’s revisit this…
I am a thrice-divorced male looking for that perfect woman. I have no money, no house, no car, no computer and no cellphone. Did I mention I was broke?
I am willing to be an equal partner in a relationship with you, as long as I can move in to your place and spend your money.
Marriage is not an option.
Ooh, that didn’t come out sounding quite right. I am determined to perfect this.
I am a lovingly used Zoomer who is aware of my imperfections. I am basically a decent, honest guy who tries to do right by others.
I am divorced but have spent a lot of time pondering what went wrong and take responsibility for my part in the breakup of my marriage.
I am financially responsible and often generous. I exercise regularly but don’t aspire to look like Adonis.
I love to make a gal happy… and I am a crazy man in the kitchen as I love to cook!
Wishing all you Zoomers out there all the best in finding your perfectly imperfect living, breathing Valentine!
April Lewis is the local communications director for CARP, a group committed to a ‘New Vision of Aging for Canada.’ She writes monthly.
