Baden Lewis remembers the first session of the Hospice Society Grief and Bereavement Group last fall — Oct. 13 — it would have been his wife’s birthday. He had read an article about the group and decided that it might be what he needed to help him move on with his life after Vera died last May following a complicated illness and 56 years of marriage.
“It was peaceful. I was the only one there and she smiled at me and then she was gone,” he said. “Coming to the group was the best thing for me. I was the only man so I got lots of attention. The first night everyone was self-contained. I know I was thinking that this is really the most horrible thing that’s ever happened in the world and I didn’t feel anyone else’s problems were near as bad as mine. I learned that is a normal feeling and that each person’s problem’s are different and difficult for them.”
Participants in the grief group come at various stages in their grieving, from six weeks to many years after the loss of a loved one. There is a choice of one-on-one counseling with a hospice counselor before going to the group. The sessions include an educational component on what to expect of the grieving process, and a variety of activities. One is to write a letter to the loved one who has died and then write a letter back of what the response would be.
“I didn’t think I could do that. But I was reading the letters again last night and they’re good, my wife giving me heck about being ‘poor me,’ just like she would. I think she’s patting me on the shoulder right now,” said Baden.
Participants are encouraged to take part in all exercises but they don’t have to speak until they feel ready. Another activity was to bring a photo of the loved one and talk about their lives to the group.
“I looked forward to hearing what the others were going to say before it was my turn. I found out that I was not the only one who felt the world was awful for me because I had lost a loved one,” said Baden. “My wife was usually called Nana. One day I was looking at the obituaries and saw that there were five Nanas there. I thought about all the people involved with those five Nanas.
“You think it’s just you but in the group you realize that it’s everyone. I go over the materials sometimes to refresh my mind and I learned a lot from what the others had to say, too.”
One of the suggestions that he found most valuable was not to rush anything after the loss of a loved one. He is taking his own time about clearing out his house and moving and following the advice from members not to panic and to leave lights and radio or TV on so he does not come home to an empty house. He appreciates the confidentiality of the group.
“I can’t think of anything about the group that isn’t good. By the end of the group, we got very close and if someone was missing, we wondered where they were. I wish the group had gone on twice as long. I just hope it helps someone who is wandering and doesn’t know what to do after a loss to hear about my experience with the group and maybe they’ll come and get help,” said Baden.
The group has continued to stay in touch socially and recently had Valentine’s dinner together at a member’s home.
The next eight-week session (choice of day or evening) runs May 4 to June 22. The suggested fee is $50 to cover materials and there is financial help available. For more information and pre-registration, call Leigh Van Dyke at 503-1800 (local 200).
