Easter weekend is my tricky holiday because it is the weekend that Gord died and our lives changed forever. Even though the anniversary date is not always on this weekend, because he died on this holiday I feel we have two memorial days.
When he died I wanted the world to stop, or at least pause long enough for me to think about this major catastrophe in our lives and what I was going to do. My boys were one and three, babes. I needed time to sort out the million thoughts swirling through my already hyper mind. The world didn’t stop, it can’t. And the Easter bunny still needs to come.
In fact the Easter bunny coming was a good step forward in helping me recognize that we are going to need to carry on, the boys need a strong mom and we are going to have to venture down a different path. My good friend Kathy showed up with bunny bears, and sprinkled chocolates about and so did other bunnies.
My oldest wanted an alligator and the youngest a ball and they got them. Their beloved father had died and despite our pain, life was going to go on and I wanted them to believe in the magic of Easter bunnies, tooth fairies and Santa. I believe magic is important to children and to parents. I think it is healing in some ways as we use the magical stories to learn about life.
I wanted the boys to have a great life despite having a parent die, not to let that define them or hang a dark cloud over their lives. We had showers, dark days, and storm clouds and we had way more sunshine. We chose this path, I did consciously and they followed my lead. They have talked of his death and the impact many times and they will as they grow older and continue on their own journeys.
We grieved him, we spoke of our hurt, our sadness, our anger and our longing. We talked whenever it was necessary through the years. We had ceremonies on all of his birthdays with cake and balloons that we wrote letters on and sent up to heaven. Each Easter weekend we planted, sometimes a tree, a rosebush, flowers. We sprinkled ashes, that was Daddy’s magic growing powder. We loved him.
When someone says to me, “you should be over him by now,” I say “no, never will.” It isn’t that my life hasn’t moved on in many ways, and we have gone down a different path, including that I have had the good fortune to love another great man, but stop talking about Gord, or missing his smile, his funny comments his kindness, never. I sure hope that my sons, darling and other important people in my life continue to talk of me and think of me long after I have left this earth. He was important, we all are to someone. People we have loved and who have died deserve our thoughts. It would not be healthy for any of us if the person who died consumed our thoughts and stopped us from living our life, if guilt of survival paralyzed our enjoyment of our time here. Sharing stories, enjoying photos, the company of friends from that time, it seems like a benefit to me.
It’s why I like ceremonies, planting flowers, birthdays, celebrations of life that give the survivors the chance to exchange wonderful stories and their shared love of this important person in their lives. I am a big fan of park benches with memory plaques on them. We placed one in Kin Beach with a plaque on it that the boys designed and my darling has one in Lakeview Park in memory of his dear son. These are places we can go, to ponder life, and think about our loved ones. And seeing someone enjoy these benches fills my heart.
I could honestly say to my sons that I wasn’t the Easter Bunny, for years a good friend showed up every year and hid goodies in our yard to make their Easter mornings magical. People can be so kind, remember that.
Michele Blais has worked with families and children in the North Okanagan for the past 27 years. She is a longtime columnist for The Morning Star, writing on a wide variety of topics and appearing every other Sunday.
