Editor’s note: The following is from The Compassionate Friends, which provides support to bereaved parents.
“What happened? Where are my friends?” Those are probably two of the most pain-filled questions that parents and families of child loss ask following the death of a child. This seems to be the one thing that is misunderstood the most by grieving parents. Prior to the death of the child, life was full and happy and friends were calling, stopping by the house, planning fun outings, picnics, and planning vacations together. But, it doesn’t take long following the death of a child to realize that those very same friends seem to have vanished.
Why does this happen? Why do so many of their friends disappear following the death of a child? The trickling away of friends is fairly universal among those who have lost a child. Talking about child loss makes others uncomfortable. It’s not fun. Grief seems to put a wedge between friends making it difficult to talk and enjoy each other’s presence any more. During the first months following the loss of a child, parents live in a deep, thick fog where it’s almost impossible to see even a sliver of hope. They look to their friends for solace — for listening ears — for comfort, and soon come to realize those faces that once were so familiar are no longer the faces that come knocking at their door. In fact, nobody comes knocking at their door! Life picks up its regular pace for others — back to the routine of work, soccer games, movies, running errands, and doing all of the other things that fill up time. It’s not that their friends don’t care. It’s just that life goes on for them.
For the parents of child loss, time stands ever so still. They are frozen in that moment of hearing those horrible words, “I’m so sorry.” Their hearts never beat the same after that. To say it’s disappointing and hurtful to have their friends move on without them, is putting it mildly. The absence of their friends burns their hearts right to the core. The pain stings and hurts and pounds and throbs. Most of their friends simply don’t “get it.” They disappear and soon become past acquaintances. They don’t understand the depth of pain that is caused by child loss and that This is when the bereaved need their friends the most!
If you know someone who has lost a child open your hearts and become a friend who is there through the thick and thin of life. Sometimes words are not necessary, just be there! Most bereaved parents want to speak openly and freely about their children. Don’t make them feel alone in the “club” that they now belong to. Let them grieve in their own way, in their own time, and provide the support as needed.
The bereaved person needs an outlet for their grief that is safe, anonymous, confidential and non-judgmental where they do not feel vulnerable, where they feel comfortable to let go, and where they feel comforted. That’s what The Compassionate Friends (TCF) strives to offer bereaved parents.
TCF meetings are held on the last Thursday of the month at 7 p.m. at the People Place, 3400-27th Ave. in Vernon. For more information please contact any of the following: Darlene at 250-558-5026 in Vernon or Kelli at 1-250-379-2465 in Falkland.
The Compassionate Friends of Vernon has compiled a bereavement package designed to offer comfort and guidance as you begin to grieve the loss of your precious child. If you or someone you know would like a bereavement package mailed out please contact Darlene at 250-558-5026.
