Boys don’t have to follow the script.
That’s the message visiting speaker David Hatfield had for the 35 boys gathered for a workshop in the Trafalgar Middle School theatre last Friday, as they explored what it means to “be a guy.”
“This all started when I realized I don’t like the way people talk about us,” Hatfield told the boys.
“This is what we hear: guys are bad news, they’re violent, they’re rude. It felt unfair. Now I’m not here to say I know everything about being a guy. Instead I want you to have the experience of having a conversation with a chill group of guys in a diss-free zone.”
The Vancouver-based social change educator was in the midst of a busy week, packing the L.V. Rogers gymnasium for a parent meeting before hitting a number of other Kootenay schools. And while he was at Trafalgar, he was hoping to help students reflect on the way gender roles have affected their lives.
“Social expectations around masculinity affect us quite powerfully,” Hatfield told the Star, following the workshop.
“I wanted to help them understand, through their own words and experiences, that these scripts do affect them. And they have the freedom not to be yanked around by ideas that in some cases minimize their humanity and make them feel like they need to be something they’re not.”
And the first step is articulating the script that’s been handed down from past generations, which he describes as having “both positive and negative elements.”
“How many of you have ever been told to ‘man up?’” he asked, to a flurry of hands.
“If I had a son, I would never tell him to ‘man up’ because I would be hurting my kid. I stand against that idea. It’s telling him, ‘Your sadness and fear are not welcome in this world.’”
Hatfield encouraged the students to share, hitting on topics as wide-ranging as the opposite sex and reproduction to sports and bullying.
“Later on in the workshop we talked about the names they’ve been called, and I told them, ‘This is going to amount to public swearing. I want you to say the words that get used in your school and in your circles. It may be awkward, or maybe weird and unpleasant, but I want you to notice how you feel when you talk about this.’”
What did they notice?
“We looked at the words, and saw the connections between them. Many are about not showing strength, about weakness and vulnerability, but other words they’re using describe women, gay men and sometimes people with mental health issues.”
For some of them, it might have been their first time thinking about these words’ provenance.
“We had a big conversation about that.”
And overall, Hatfield was wowed by the boys and their ability to tackle tough subjects, including rape culture, sexism and suicide.
“What was really beautiful to me was they really held space for that conversation, and were very thoughtful,” he said.
“I’m still training myself to unlearn some of my own judgments about young guys and what they’re capable of. The guys at Trafalgar were really good to each other, there was non mean-spiritness that I saw. I was amazed by how open and brave they were.”
And that sentiment goes for the Nelson community as a whole.
“As someone who travels to different communities, I want to say again how incredible the community of Nelson is. There’s such high engagement, you’ve very social and politically progressive, and there’s a lot of active caring.”
