At the time I said I was fine.
It turned out I was actually phine.
“Phine” is a word created by the Canadian Mental Health Association, which means saying you’re fine when you are not.
When I read the CMHA’s literature regarding Mental Health Week, this made-up word resonated with me, because that’s exactly how I was after the birth of my twins in 2008.
I told people I was fine, but I wasn’t.
Pretty soon I didn’t tell anyone I was fine because I didn’t want to go anywhere that someone might ask, “How are you doing?”
I was too afraid to answer truthfully or that if I did, I would simply fall apart. Finally I had to admit there was something really wrong. I was struggling with postpartum depression so thick it felt as though a wet, wool blanket was smothering me. I felt like I was choking and had visions of simply dropping my babies and running away to somewhere, anywhere.
I made it as far as the front steps before I sat, cried and called my doctor’s office. I couldn’t lie anymore. I was not fine.
Often people with depression try very hard to mask their feelings in public, putting on a brave front for fear of stigma or embarrassment. They may try to deny anything is wrong or make excuses. I, too, must confess to this.
There is still shame associated with a mental illness, even though mood disorders like depression and anxiety affect approximately one in seven people at some point during their lifetime. No one would tell a cancer patient to just snap out of it. Or suggest that someone with diabetes would be cured if they would just take a walk, a nap or go to an exercise class. And yet that myth still persists.
On my return to work in 2009, it was a difficult decision to let the whole community in on a very personal, difficult time in my life. But I also feel strongly that in order to break a stigma, it must come out of the shadows. As a reporter, I encourage others to share their stories and I would feel hypocritical if I hid my own.
With help from medical professionals and the support of others who have been in my shoes, I was able to feel healthy again. And that is an important message for anyone out there who feels that depression or any other mental illness has come into their life. There are resources available to help.
So if you are feeling “phine” instead of fine, admit it. This week, there are some additional opportunities to take care of your mental health. For Mental Health Week in Salmon Arm, CMHA currently has information on display in the lobby of their building on Hudson Avenue. On Tuesday, May 13, there will be an open house event with guest speaker Michael Schratter speaking about his Ride Don’t Hide journey biking around the world to shatter the stigma around mental health. Salmon Arm’s own Ride Don’t Hide bike ride is occurring on Sunday, June 22.
Maintaining your mental health sometimes means seeking the help of others, especially professionals like your doctor.
Reaching out to get help isn’t a weakness. It’s a strength.
