Overheard at the first caucus meeting of NDP members of Parliament, featuring the new Leader of the Opposition Jack Layton:
Jack Layton: “OK, OK, settle down people. I’d like to call this meeting to order. Wow, first order of business should be getting a bigger place to meet.”
Rookie MP #1: “Well, there are more than 100 of us now sir.”
Layton: “Right. And the second order of business would be ‘Hello, my name is’….. cards for everyone. OK, hey you, garcon, could you get me a glass of water s’il vous plait, it’s hot in here.”
Rookie MP #2: “Ummm. Certainly boss but I’m not the waiter, I’m an MP.”
Layton: “You are? How old are you?”
Rookie MP #2: “Nineteen, sir. I’m a new Canadian record.”
Layton: “Right. That’s great but I’m thinking you might have a little bit to learn on the job so take a seat.”
Rookie MP #2: “Well, I do know it’s thanks to you I got elected.”
Layton: “Well, OK, you’re smarter than I thought but there’s a couple other rookies I’d like to speak to. Like where’s the candidate who spent most of the campaign in Las Vegas?”
Rookie MP #3: “That’s me. I saw Celine Dion and everything. It’s amazing. You can gamble there and drink in the streets and, hey, maybe we can have our next caucus meeting there, that would be fun, eh….”
Layton: “Right. Now if you could find a way to spend a little time in your riding as well, that would be great.”
Rookie MP #3: “About that. Can I get a map of my riding, I forget the name of it off the top of my head, oh, and maybe a GPS too, that would be just super. I hope they’re nice people.”
Layton: “Right. And which one of you Quebec MPs can’t speak French?”
Rookie MP #4: “Je sais un peu.”
Layton: “Tres bien. Learn a little more.”
Rookie MP #2: “Speaking of that, now that most of the members of our caucus are from la belle province maybe these meetings should be conducted in French.”
Layton: “You have a point there but you have to remember before this election we had a grand total of one MP from Quebec and we have quite a few members from B.C., where the second official language is hippy, so I think we better stick with English for awhile until we can all adjust to this new reality for the NDP.”
Rookie MP #1: “Speaking of that sir, are we going to be talking about where we stand on separatism?”
Layton: “Well, we’re against it, of course.”
Rookie MP #1: “We are? Was that in the manual? Was that covered at the candidate conference? Do my constituents know this?”
Layton: “This could be tougher than I thought. Now where’s the person who is still a student at McGill University?”
Rookie MP #4: “That’s me, sir.”
Layton: “You just graduated, congratulations.”
Rookie MP #4: “I did. You can do that? Wow, thanks. What degree did I get, actually?”
Layton: “No, I mean you have a job now so quit school, oh, never mind.”
Bob Rae: “I have a question.”
Layton: “What are you doing here? You’re not a member of my caucus, you’re a Liberal.”
Rae: “I know but I used to be an NDP and a premier and everything and I became a Liberal when there was more of them than us but now it’s the other way around and they don’t seem to like me much since I mentioned that merger thing so I thought I might be able to come back and…….”
Layton: “Get out of here Bob, we have work to do.”
Adrian Dix: “I have a question too.”
Layton: “You’re not in my caucus either. But at least you’re an NDPer. What can I do for you?”
Dix: “Well you just did so amazing during the campaign Jack and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to take on Christy Clark in an election this fall back in B.C. and I could use all the advice I can get from a winner like you.”
Layton: “Well, that’s very flattering Adrian but really just be yourself and the people will believe in you.”
Dix: “That’s great, Jack. I’ll try that but just to be safe do you think I could also borrow your cane for, oh, about six months or so?”
– Glenn Mitchell is managing editor of The Morning Star. He writes a weekly column in the newspaper.
