This is likely my last written piece before I turn into a father and the last few weeks have presented a lot of unique and interesting challenges, such as picking names.
Most people, as far as my ignorant self believes, would like to pick a name that won’t be shared by four other children in their elementary school class, but is still easy to remember, pronounce and spell without calling their child something as exotic as “Apple.”
Much to the dismay of some of my coworkers, “Tinkel Winkelman,” falls into this category. Additionally, we’d like to avoid unfortunate combinations such as Simon Evan Xavier Winkelman (initials).
My wife doesn’t entirely fall into this category, as she’d be more than happy to pick something “exotic” from my Dutch heritage such as Boudewijn or Lodewijk and give every teacher, Starbucks barista (not that there are any of those here) and coach a minor heart attack (approximately pronounced Bow-de-wine and Low-de-vike).
An additional consideration is that children can be quite cruel and it wouldn’t take much to turn something like “Boudewijn” into “bovine,” which, especially in cattle country, is far from ideal.
The newborn will also have to write out their name in school, on cards and, inevitably and obviously most importantly, their Facebook, Twitter and Tinder profiles when they turn two or three. It might be a little disheartening for little Boudewijn Ignatius Obadiah Alistair Atticus Winkelman if they consistently fail to successfully spell their own name.
Speaking multiple languages, as well as having multilingual family members, it’s also preferable to pick a name that works in multiple languages. While “Harm” and “Freek” are common and well known Dutch names, they don’t work quite as well in English. Similarly, people will often shorten the name Natalie to Nat which means “wet” in Dutch.
For some parents, this won’t matter, but the meaning or origin of the name can also put a bit of a damper on things. Names such as Claudia, Byron or Cameron sound great until you realize they mean “lame,” “cowshed” and “crooked nose.”
Then there’s the horror of using uncommon spellings because your child is a unique little snowflake including spellings like Beberly, Aliviya, Elizabreth and Mhavryck. Even my spell check thinks that’s just plain wrong; it’s your fault if your kid comes home sad after being called “lizard breath.”
Even with all these considerations, sometimes history just ruins a name. At one point Isis was perhaps nothing more than a pretty girl’s name, however, now it would just be cruel to be given that as a moniker.
Finally, I’d like to apologize to my wife for me having come up with most of these terrible suggestions and strongly urging those present at the time not to leave me alone with the birth certificate.
