I’ve been remiss in neglecting my usual New Year’s resolutions. But as 2011 ebbed away, I vowed to conquer my three most obvious failings: a rather rotund waistline, an inability to remember names and a penchant for wisecracks.
This seemed a bit onerous but, as I explained to my brother on New Year’s Day, it was simply a matter of self-control. Jay seemed strangely unimpressed:
“If you’re on a diet, why are you eating a tub of maple walnut?”
“There’s always room for ice cream.”
“I think you mean Jell-O?”
“Listen, you eat your dessert and I’ll eat mine!”
“Okay, but you also ate all of the leftover fruit cake. How is that self-control?”
He had a good point. But maybe there was a way to save face.
“I know,” I replied triumphantly, “I’ll just change my resolution from dieting, to not wasting food. I’m really good at that!”
“I don’t think you can change your resolution once it’s already New Year’s Day.”
He had me there. Strike one.
Naturally, I wasn’t too concerned about my early failure. After all, as I opined to Jay, weight isn’t that important. It’s the mind that matters:
“I’ve noticed now that I’m over 40, I sometimes forget people’s names. It’s not uncommon, but I’m going to use all my psychological training to overcome it.”
“And just how are you going to do that?” Jay asked dubiously.
“I’m using mnemonic research. Neurological science has proven that people only use 10 per cent of their brains!”
“Some people even less,” Jay smiled.
“I’m serious. I know a lady and I keep forgetting that her name is Jessica. Now Jessica has rather prominent ears. So what do we associate with large ears? Rabbits. And what’s the name of a famous bunny? Jessica Rabbit. Get the connection? Now when I run into her, I’ll think of cartoons and remember her name.”
Jay replied, “I wonder how she’ll react when you call her Bugs?”
I hadn’t considered that possibility. Still you can’t argue with science. The next week I was playing the piano before the Trillium church service when a very nice couple came in to officiate.
I stuck out my hand. “Hi. I’m Ray.”
The gentleman seemed oddly reticent so I encouraged him.
“And you folks are?”
“We’re Ben and Joyce. Your next door neighbours!”
Ben always wears a distinctive cap. Therefore, it’s easy to recognize him and get his name right. However, you can’t wear a chapeau at church. So much for mnemonics.
Strike two. When I told Jay about my second failure, he almost seemed sorry for me. “What about your third resolution? Any luck there?”
“Yes, all I have to do is stop making wisecracks!”
“I don’t know,” Jay cautioned. “You might as well ask a duck to stop quacking.”
“You mean, to stop quacking wise?” I chuckled.
“It’s hopeless,” Jay muttered.
It turned out Jay was right. I was volunteering at the old age home when a proud grandmother approached me and said, “Ray, I had a baby in here yesterday.”
Not able to restrain myself, I replied, “My goodness, and I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”
She walked away.
Strike three. The mighty Raymond has struck out. I guess the old saying is true. If you’re in over your head, the first thing to do is shut your mouth.
Not easy for a husky, harried, humourist. Consequently, next year I’ll be picking an easier fault to conquer — my penchant for overconfidence.
I’m certain I’ll succeed. After all, it’s a matter of self-control.
