Rob “Fresh Prince of Bill-Air” Biller
Observer Contributor
Week three of the CSS intramural floor hockey began with many questions: Do the Rangers have gym-strip? Which boys team would win the early battle for Grade 10 dominance? Are the Nordiques built to compete with their new edgy style? Will Fred “I’m Old –Gimme, Gimme, Gimme” Rogger sign with the Nordiques, test free agency or retire? Fortunately, it’s not a multiple choice test and the answers were right in front of us (but please show your work).
Special thanks to Troy “Dana Murzyn Hockey School” for all his help with this week’s update. I couldn’t have done it without his help.
High Noon, Tuesday, Feb. 11
Benchwarmers 10 – Riley’s Rangers 0
The good news for Riley’s Rangers was that enough fellas showed up to make a game. The bad news was that they walked straight into the Benchwarmers buzz saw that’s hewn many a team to sawdust. “Kyle” Reese Mero drew the short straw and jumped between the pipes for the Rangers, though his “I don’t want to do this” comment was something of a tell where the ultimate outcome of the game was concerned. Maybe Sara Conner can play goal next game for the Rangers.
The game started slow and late, with the Rangers penalized two penalty shots for lead-footedness before the opening faceoff. Mero managed to stop one, but the other potted, staking the Benchwarmers to a 1-0 lead in a game they ran away with 10-0. Matt “Love of the Game” Hender proved a good addition for the Rangers, while the usual crew of snipers — “Nearly Headless” Nick Falloon, Jake “the Snake” Beudry, Kyle “Ear” Wiggins — led the way for the Benchwarmers. Kaden “Nothing Rhymes with Ekstrom” posted the doughnut for the winners and slid in a seeing-eye shot from his own crease for good measure.
High Noon, Wednesday, Feb. 12
Mighty Pucks 5 – Leftovers 4 (OT)
Another contender for game of the year featured the Leftovers and the swaggering Mighty Pucks battling for Grade 10 Floor Hockey supremacy. The Pucks came out with bravado, salivating at an apparent easy victory. Those hopes were quickly dashed by the speedy Leftovers. Mike “From Canmore” Devito opened the scoring and netted a pair for the game, while Taio “Mega” Watts kept the Pucks pinned with his speed. Alex “P. Keaton” Falloon scored a beautiful goal, as did “Iron M” Aiden Gilkerson.
However, heavy pushback pressure and an obvious allergy to back-checking allowed the Might Pucks to claw their way back. Today’s Tom Sawyer, Damon “Geddy” Lee had a pair for the Pucks. As the seconds ticked down in a tie game, controversy struck: a goal by the Leftovers to seemingly seal the victory was disallowed by rookie ref Liam “The Fix is In” Grogan. “Fix” ruled the goal was scored by a hand and not a stick, allowing Pucks goaltender Sam “I Am” Inwood to hold the fort into overtime. Referee Liam “The Fix is In” Grogan maintained he saw the play clearly, as all refs do. The game ended in a 4-4 tie, and the crowd, perhaps not aware of overtime rules, left en masse. Unfortunately for them, they missed the most exciting end to a game this season. Racing up the floor like a red Barchetta, Damon “Geddy” Lee potted the winner, despite after an absolute flurry of saves by Jacob “Two Wrongs Don’t Make It” Wright, who has played lights out this entire season thus far.
High Noon, Thursday, Feb. 13
Nordiques 9 – Lucky Pucks 0
Two years removed from the award for the Most Sportsmanlike team (a controversial choice then, as now), it seems the Nordiques have gone a different direction, with every parolee in the Federal League now taking a regular shift. All-time league-leading scorer Fred “Just keep adding zeros to my offer sheet” Rogger was once again a no-show for the Nordiques, donning the referee’s shirt for this chippy affair. While rumours abound of a potential retirement or some move to greener pastures, referee Fred “Pay me or else” Rogger handed out penalty shots like Halloween candy to spite his old team.
Ted “The Round Mound of Rebound” was ticketed early for a blatant hold, while Maria “the Slasher” Lopresti — brought in for extra muscle against the physical Nordiques side — was physical all game for the Lucky Pucks, getting the gate for both a slash and an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. It seems even on other teams, hard-core Nordiques are still goons.
New prospect Liam “Dirty Mike” Grogan showed his dirty side with four goals earned the old-fashioned way: hacking and chopping the goalie. Katie “Old Mother” Hubbard was phenomenal for the Lucky Pucks, providing tremendous save after tremendous save, even stopping Chuck “Norris” Kramer and Ted “The Round Mound of Rebound” McCart on penalty shots. Lauren “Don’t Live in the” Pastachak and Amelia “Earhart” Musselman continued their stellar play, controlling the play on both ends of the floor. Jay “Glam Chowder” McDowell earned the shutout for the Nordiques, thanks in large part to the goalie’s best friend, the post. “Don’t Live in the” Pastachak had “Glam Chowder” beat clean, but the post saved the grizzled veterans when all else failed.
READ MORE: Nordiques, Benchwarmers and Mighty Pucks get first wins of Correlieu floor hockey season
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