Rob “The Fresh Prince of Bill-Air” Biller
Observer Contributor
Week two of the CSS intramural floor hockey saw eventful games, loads of controversy and the emergence of a league villain … the Nordiques.
High Noon, Tuesday, Feb. 4
Narwhals 1 – NHL Riley’s Rangers 0
A large and boisterous crowd (easily bigger than Woodstock, according to Kellyanne Conway) was disappointed by the inability of the newly-renamed “Riley’s Rangers” to field a full squad. Shocked that jeans and work-boots were not acceptable athletic attire, the Rangers were forced to take a default loss and reorganize gym strip, running shoes and players for their next tilt. We can only hope that the mighty Narwhal squad isn’t hurt in the final standings by a paltry 1-0 default victory.
High Noon, Wednesday, Feb. 5
Leftovers 12 – Lucky Pucks 2
Mid-week saw a crowd beyond the powers of mortal estimation (or at least an English teacher’s math skills) gathered, in hopes of an upset victory by the 0-1 Lucky Pucks squad. Those dreams were dashed early and decisively by a hard-charging Leftovers squad led by the likes of Mike “From Canmore” Devito, Shawn “of the Dead” Fisher and Alex “P. Keaton” Falloon. Jacob “Two Wrongs Don’t Make a” Wright was stellar for the Leftovers, not only holding onto a shutout late into the game, but also stickhandling into goalie infamy by potting himself a goal. Wright popped one in his own goal for good measure and gave up a beauty to Lauren “Don’t Live in the” Pastachak on a penalty shot. No shutout, but an eventful game for Wright for sure. Playing well for the all-ladies squad were Ally “Baba” Fulton and Amelia “Earhart” Musselman, despite the one-sided score.
High Noon, Thursday, Feb. 6
Nordiques 3 – Leftovers 1
An unruly crowd — some mutated hybrid of the Black Hole and the Dawg Pound — was primed for what turned into the game of the week. The mystery around the ongoing contract status of aging Nordiques play-maker Fred “Show Me the Money” Rogger deepened, as his contract holdout and sudden history of unprovable injuries stretched into a second game. The Nordiques have reportedly offered several first-round picks to a variety of teams in the hopes of unloading the bloated contract of the league’s all-time leading scorer.
The game itself established the Nordiques as this year’s league villains. Claiming “it was a perfect shot” and that there was “no collusion” with the referee, “The Fresh Prince of Bill-Air” set the tone for the game on his first shift when he whacked Shawn “of the Dead” Fisher in the schnozola with an errant follow-through. “Bill-Air” has refused further comment and retained Rudy Guliani to oversee his defence.
Ted “Round Mound of Rebound” McCart and Martin “G”Runge staked the Nordiques to a 2-0 lead, as backstop Jay “Glam Chowder” McDowell continued to stand on his head between the pipes. Only Mike “From Canmore” Devito, on a slick shot through “Glam”‘s five hole, was able to beat the former lead guitarist for Big Mountain Fudge Cake. Liam “Steve” Grogan sealed the win for the Nordiques with the Leftovers’ goalie, Jacob “Two Wrongs Don’t Make a” Wright, on the bench for the extra attacker.
The game was rife with controversy, as the Leftovers received a penalty shot for some physical corner play on the part of Nordiques defender Chuck “Norris” Kramer. Mike “From Canmore” Devito was rebuked on a diving glove stop from “Glam,” and before he knew what he’d done, he dropped the bomb — the “F” bomb — in frustration. Returning the favour, goalie Jacob “Two Wrongs Don’t Make a” Wright stymied Ted “Round Mound of Rebound” McCart on the subsequent penalty shot. Fred “Have Another Doughnut” Rogger can take solace that nobody (except the “Fresh Prince” — who clearly got away with one) on either team thought much of the game he called.
READ MORE: Nordiques, Benchwarmers and Mighty Pucks get first wins of Correlieu floor hockey season
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