Question: My son’s father remained sporadically involved after he and I separated but he chose to cease contact two years ago. Since then my son (who is 8) has formed a close bond with my husband. My ex, after a recent near-death experience, has reappeared on the scene wanting to reconnect with my son. In the past, he has been unable to grasp how much his actions (or inactions so to speak) affect my son’s mental well-being. My instincts suggest that if he does become involved again, it will be another mess that I will have to clean up when he loses interest in being a stable parenting figure and it was difficult trying to explain why he left the first time around. What is the safest way to reintroduce them after such a period of absence? I don’t want my son getting hurt….
Answer: I can tell by reading your letter that this was a very difficult situation for you and your son in the past, and that you are very concerned about opening the door to the potential of repeating this experience. You did not tell me whether or not there is a court order that your son’s father be allowed access, but I will go on the assumption that he does have a right to access.
My first suggestion is that the time and place of the initial visit between your son and his father be carefully chosen with your son’s safety and comfort in mind. The place should be familiar to your son and there should be activities available to him that allow him to take space from his father if he needs it.
A person whom your son trusts and who can guide the visit with his best interests in mind should be present. The visit should be kept short and should be ended early if your son shows serious signs of distress (you can expect some discomfort and awkwardness).
From there I would suggest that a schedule for visits be set up that is very predictable and routine, and that is based on your son’s well-being. If it seems important to your son’s comfort and safety, a trusted adult should continue to be present at these visits.
Ideally, these contacts should be child-focused, that is, they should involve activities that your son enjoys. It should be made clear to your ex that any missed visits without notice on his part, and any actions of his that disturb your son, and you will stop the visits. There may be legal implications for you of refusing access, and I would suggest you consult a lawyer about this.
Children are very capable of having many good family relationships, and if this goes well, your son stands to gain from knowing his father.
If it does not go well, you will have a good safety net around your son. If it happens that you are stuck explaining to your son why his father is no longer seeing him again, I think it is important to be factual; for example, talking to him about the importance of following through with commitments because broken commitments cause hurt feelings in other people. It would not be helpful to your son for you to be critical of his father, even though you may have some strong feelings about this.
I hope this difficult process goes well for you and your son.
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