From me to you, an early Christmas present. Get good at this stuff below and it will change your life. No joke.
Last column I mentioned “more on communication next month”. Well. Here we are. The most important skill to improve if you want better relationships (family, work, random, etc.), job/career, bank account, health, life, etc. Getting it yet?
There is not much more important than good communication skills and their application. Getting better at communication has notably improved my parenting, relationships, business, coaching, presentations — everything. I wasn’t even having some of the important conversations before. Now I see how essential great communication is. Am I perfect at it? Nope. Am I much better? Yep. And I’m hoping you want the same. Otherwise, quit reading this.
I’m really talking mainly about verbal and non-verbal communication here. Interestingly, through written communication. In any case, we’ve likely all heard that more than 90 per cent of communication is non-verbal. Meaning less than 10 per cent of what we “say” is the words. Astonishing. To dig down one more layer, it’s generally regarded in psychology that approximately 53 per cent of our message is delivered by our facial expressions, 38 per cent by our voice (tone, volume, tempo, etc.) and only seven per cent by our actual choice of words. Consider observing that in some of your conversations this week and see what you notice. Might just blow your mind some!
Let’s cut to the chase. The real problem with most people’s communication is that they suck at listening. Most people are generating their response in their head and defending their position before the person has even finished their statement. And usually it’s not a conversation that even requires defending their position! We are all self-conscious. We all think various statements are exposing some shred of self-truth we’re not happy about. Something we’re afraid of being vulnerable about. So we think the statement is somehow about us, and start defending ourselves. I still catch myself doing it sometimes. It’s unnecessary. It has to do with self-worth at the deepest levels.
And always remember this: what the other person said, or more importantly MEANT, is not necessarily what we hear or perceive/interpret. So much truth is lost in the gap between what is meant and what is heard (perceived).
So here it is — get better at listening. If you’re reading this and saying “I don’t need to get better at listening”, stop lying to yourself. We all need to get better at listening. Here’s how:
The next conversation you have after reading this — gently remind yourself going in, “just listen”. Don’t craft thoughts while the person is speaking. Just listen. Don’t get distracted by the person walking behind them. Just focus. Then when they’re finished their thought, either paraphrase what they just said (even just the most important bits), or nod with whatever facial expression naturally accompanies it, and then allow your next thought to flow (through whatever filters you employ).
Trust in relationships is built on each person’s perception of “is this person listening to me”. And often it’s just lost. Often communication in a relationship doesn’t even happen because it is overwhelming or exhausting to explain oneself to someone who is a poor listener. The poor listener becomes defensive, assumes they know what the other is trying to say, doesn’t feed back/summarize to confirm what was heard is the same as what was implied, and replies with something that proves they are not actively listening. Frustrating. Not worth continuing the important conversation. Total communication breakdown. Failure.
Rather, just let go, be open, and listen. Approach the moment with the attitude that “I’m going to learn something interesting here that I didn’t know before; I should just listen”, and everything will work out. Every interaction is an opportunity to learn. It works. Are you listening?
Chris Wilkinson is the owner/GM for Nurse Next Door Home Care Services for Cowichan and central Vancouver Island. For more info visit www.NurseNextDoor.com or for questions or a free in-home Caring Consult call 250-748-4357, or email Chris.Wilkinson@NurseNextDoor.com
