It’s a brightly coloured cesspool of lewd acts, hot-fudge sundaes and triangular bikinis.
It’s the epitome of what is wrong in our society. It corrupts our youth and challenges the very core of morality.
And it needs to be stopped.
I reference, of course, the highly popular, long-published, immoral comic book – The Archies.
They’ve been allowed to cultivate characters of such impure nature and to introduce them to our children and bring vulgarity and unwholesomeness to our doorsteps.
Don’t believe me? They’ve got to you, too, didn’t they?
Not to worry, I will rid you of their tantalizing tentacles of scandalous nature. I will cleanse your mind of the poison smut spewed by wonton writers and coarse cartoonists.
Continue dear reader, for I bring you, the seven deadly sins, featuring Archie and Friends.
Pride: The excessive belief in one’s own abilities. Hello! Can anyone say Reggie Mantle? The kid thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips. He actually walks around with a mirror and tells himself how bloody gorgeous he is. ‘Nuf said.
Envy: The desire for other’s traits, status, abilities or situation. Enter America’s sweetheart, the doe-eyed, cookie-baking-machine – Betty Cooper. The girl wants to be Veronica so bad it’s actually painful. She covets her clothes, her money, her home, her cars and most of all, her firm-grasp on hometown hero, Archie Andrews.
Gluttony: The inordinate desire to consume more than one requires. Sigh, too easy – Jughead P. Jones. This kid eats his weight in Pop Tate burgers every single issue. He dreams of food, hoards food, sleeps with food, ditches friends for food and even allows esthetically-challenged Ethel to hang out with him if she smells like food. He’s a pig.
Lust: An inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body. This one’s a tie, folks, both Archie Andrews and red-hot Cheryl Blossom are Riverdale’s most sexually-charged residents. Cheryl’s outfits would make Brittney Spears blush, not to mention she uses her allure to get every available, or non-available boy in town to do her bidding.
As for Archie, that darn kid can’t keep his grubby paws off the latest attractive lass to hit town if his life depended on it. He juggles women (albeit badly) lies, breaks promises, and makes out with no regard for oral hygiene.
Anger: This is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts for fury. Obviously this particular sin embodies town-bully Moose Mason. OK, so maybe the juice-head isn’t technically a bully. But he kicks the crap out of anyone who even looks at his girl. Who incidentally does not discourage the male attention her crop-tops get her. Seriously though, Moose actually throws his competition into walls where they lie there, arms and legs bent at awkward angles and bright, red stars hover over their dazed eyes. Seems a bit drastic.
Greed: The desire for material wealth or gain. And the sinner goes to… Hiram Lodge! Lodge is the quintessential corporate fat cat. His empire is his life and he has no problem throwing his wealth in the faces of those less fortunate.
Sloth: The avoidance of physical or spiritual work. This can only be used to describe Veronica Lodge, daughter of the disgustingly-wealthy Hiram Lodge. Veronica, aka Ron, does nothing but spend daddy’s money, obsess over her appearance, criticize Betty’s outfits and lounge in her pool.
Do you see now? Do you see the filth and wrongdoing of these characters?
Or do I sound completely and utterly ridiculous?
If so, then why do some find it so distasteful for Archie writer and cartoonist Dan Parent to introduce Riverdale’s first gay character, Kevin Keller?
They’ve been calling it “shocking, disgusting and unwholesome.” Some have gone so far as to question if the next character might be a white supremacist.
And the saddest part is the majority of these comments are stemming from young reader’s parents.
Why when you can teach your children acceptance, differences, love and peace do some opt for intolerance, bigotry and hate?
The critics decry the new character, stating the “pure” state of Riverdale has been violated.
The only thing being violated here is the promise for a more open, accepting, loving future.
Welcome, Kevin, I for one, look forward to many more episodes with you in it.
Autumn MacDonald is editor of the Quesnel Cariboo Observer.
