My wife often has afternoon television on, even if she’s not actually watching it. So I get exposed to extended commercials for plastic wrap, vegetable choppers, plastic knives and other gimmicks. The patter is so universal, I sometimes think they write these commercials by the mile, and chop them off in one-minute segments.
But it must work. Why else would anyone spend that much money on expensive air time?
So then I thought, maybe churches and religious bodies should get on the bandwagon. Perhaps with something like this.
Be sure to turn up the volume…
Hi friends, it’s Jude, the Obscure One, with the InSin-Aerator, the only device that can wash your thoughts squeaky clean.
Let’s say you see a good-lookin’ gal or guy go by. And you can’t help thinking, “Wow! I’d like to get hold of that one!”
You’ve just sinned. Jesus said, “If anyone looks at another with lust, he has already committed adultery in his heart.” Matthew 5:28. And adultery is a sin, my friends. The Ten Commandments rule: “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”
Another Commandment says, “Thou shalt not covet.” Not your neighbour’s wife, or his Mercedes, or his villa in Costa Rica. So when you go by a lottery booth and you think what you could do with $50 million, even if it’s in Canadian dollars, you’re as guilty as sin.
Maybe you kid yourself that you could do something good with it. Like pay off your church’s mortgage. That’s a praiseworthy thing to do.
But because you covet something that isn’t yours, your goose is cooked, my friend. You’re headed straight for that rotisserie over the eternal flames of hell. You can’t claim it was just a little sin. There are no little sins. The presence of sin contaminates you totally. John Calvin said so, and you can’t get more dogmatic than him. He even invented predestination. That means God knows exactly what you’ve done, because God planned it that way long before you did it. So when you sin, you’ve got no wiggle room.
Unless you have the InSin-Aerator. Just squeeze the trigger, and whiff a spray of Wholly Water on your head, or whatever part of you is doing the sinning, and the sin is gone. Wiped away. Erased, as if it never was. It’s better than Windex.
So get out your credit card, call the number at the bottom of your screen, and order your InSin-Aerator right now. Just $19.95, plus shipping, handling, and finance charges. And here’s the good news. Call within the next 20 minutes, and we’ll include your first refill bottle of Wholly Water absolutely free. We’ll even pay the shipping by Pure-olator.
But there’s more! Call right now, and we’ll add a second InSin-Aerator at no extra cost. You can gift your loved one with his or her own personal InSin-Aerator. (No same sex couples, please.) Imagine the joy when the two of you realize that you can now blot away all those sinful thoughts and proceed through life without fear of eternal damnation!
Call right now. Just $19.95 for not one, but two—yes TWO!—InSin-Aerators, for just $19.95. Call now. Our trained confessors are waiting…
