Do you want to be happy? Do you want to be successful? (Would anybody say they didn’t want to be happy or successful?)
If so, you should recognize that happiness and success take two different paths. At least, so says Sonia Lyubomirsky, in her recent book, The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn’t; What Shouldn’t Make You Happy, but Does.
In brief, she suggests that happiness depends on saying Yes as often as possible; the secret to success is learning to when to say No.
Of course that’s an overly simplistic formula. Saying Yes to everything won’t leave you time to enjoy anything. But like all simplistic formulas, it contains a seed of truth. To mix my metaphors a little, take Sonia’s advice with a grain of salt.
Saying Yes to opportunities—especially those that may lie slightly outside your comfort zone—leads to a greater range of experiences. A friend tells me that she has decided to try one thing outside her comfort zone, every week. She’s learning to say Yes.
It stands to reason: If you keep saying No to everything that comes along, you’re going to get stuck in a deep and lonely rut. Which is hardly a formula for happiness.
As an old saying goes: “At our deathbeds, we’re more likely to regret the things we didn’t do than the things we did.”
Saying Yes may also mean saying No to doing things the same old way. Years ago, a youth group at our church created a banner. The Seven Last Words of the Church, they suggested, were “We’ve Never Done It That Way Before.”
That doesn’t mean saying Yes indiscriminately. Armed robbery and hard drugs can have distinctly unhappy consequences. Without adequate training, so can skydiving, rock climbing, scuba diving and white-water kayaking.
Similarly with saying No.
Warren Buffett is reputed to have said: “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say ‘No’ to almost everything.”
They’re not negative – they’re just obsessive about their goals.
Author Malcolm Gladwell popularized the idea that experts have to put 10,000 hours into practicing their skill—whether that skill involves playing the cello or outsmarting the stock market. The only way to get those 10,000 hours is to say No to a lot of distractions.
The key is knowing when to say Yes and when to say No. Saying Yes to every extra-marital affair will certainly lead to an unhappy marriage. Saying No to every financial risk will never make you another Warren Buffet.
How do you strike a balance? Know the difference between your goals. If your goal is success in a specific field, say No to everything that will distract you. If your goal is a full and happy life, say Yes as often as possible.
Protect the time you need for your priority; open up the rest of your time as much as possible.
To quote Sonia Lyubomirsky’s research again, the happiest people are “those fortunate folks who have little or no excess time, and yet seldom feel rushed.”
They know when to say Yes, and when to say No.
