Have you run out of entertainment options during the pandemic? Does Netflix suggest that you maybe read a book instead, when you log on? Are you craving that real “going to the movies” experience? Of course you are!
That’s where a new service, FilmFlam™, comes in! FilmFlam™ not only brings big screen entertainment into your home; it recreates all the fun and excitement, sights and sounds, of going to the theatre!
Here’s how it works. Sign up for FilmFlam™, and you get a list of current movies to stream in the comfort of your own home. Yes, you can watch mindless kids’ films, superhero movies that make no sense unless you’ve seen the first eight films in the franchise, and the latest Fast and Furious spin-off.
Do you want something more thoughtful and nuanced, such as acclaimed director Kelly Reichardt’s First Cow, or perhaps a foreign film with subtitles? Get out of here, you decaf organic soy latte-sipping weirdo! FilmFlam™ brings you only the finest films that would grace your local multiplex, meaning any movies not aimed at people under the age of 35 are right out.
How does FilmFlam™ give you that authentic movie-going experience? First of all, movies start at set times, just like at a theatre. None of that “watching when it’s convenient” nonsense; you get to choose from two matinees and two evening performances each day, as well as that weird 5:45 start time that’s neither (“So do we eat dinner before or after the movie?”). Each film is prefaced by a fun-filled set of five trivia questions that keep repeating (“Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise stars in the Mission: Impossible films!”), and then a seemingly endless series of trailers that are tailored to the film you’ve chosen. Picked a kids’ flick? Welcome to a wonderful world of garish primary colours and lame jokes! Chosen an action film? You’ll see so many car crashes and explosions your eyeballs will bleed! Occasionally a trailer for something more off the beaten track will appear (“That First Cow film looks really good”), but we’re sorry, that movie is not available on FilmFlam™ at this time (or ever).
Craving the culinary experience that is such a memorable part of going to the movies? With every film, you will receive a box containing a bag of stale Nibs, two watered down, 96-ounce vats of pop, and a tub of popcorn large enough to feed a family of four, which comes topped with real Buttere™! It tastes just like butter, but only if you’ve never tasted butter. What’s it made of? You really don’t want to know.
We don’t stop there! You also get a container with a mixture of warm soda, popcorn pieces, straw wrappers, and an unidentified substance (“Is that motor oil? I think it’s motor oil”) to sprinkle on your living-room floor. Just plant your feet in it, and stick to everything you walk on for hours afterward!
Our movies benefit from the best visual quality, as long as you watch them in a room with absolutely no other light source. The sound is likewise excellent, with every punch, collision, and explosion lovingly rendered in such a way that your windows will rattle. Quiet dialogue? No problem, as long as you switch the subtitles on, otherwise you’ll only pick up one word out of five.
And we don’t even have room to tell you about all the other features, such as an intermittent on-screen glow that replicates the people around you sending texts, or a secondary soundtrack featuring a person talking on their phone, a child crying, someone trying to explain what’s going on to someone else who isn’t really watching, and that one guy who thinks he’s figured out the twist halfway through (“I get it, Bruce Willis is really a dead person!”).
FilmFlam™! It’s the movie service you didn’t know you craved. Order it now! Or just watch First Cow, which is available to stream online. Seriously, it looks great. Check it out.
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