One of the hazards of newspaper work is that one’s errors — typos, “facts”, misspellings — are put out for all to see. And make fun of. Goodness knows I have made more than my share over the several decades I have been in this business, but there is special joy in seeing that others aren’t immune.
I laughed aloud while scanning through an email from Pastor Ian Cotton, who routinely passes on messages intended to amuse. The latest was especially appropriate — a selection of newspaper headlines that left me grateful. There, but for the grace of God, go I.
“Diana Was Still Alive Hours Before She Died”, screamed the first clipping. While it is tempting to put this off as a headline written in a rush just before the offending paper went to press, the teaser below suggests that proofreading just didn’t happen in this case. “A series of previously unseen CCTV (closed circuit television) images have revealed that Diana was alive and well before she was tragically killed in Paris, ten years ago.”
I’m no expert, but I expect that’s pretty much the case for all of us, being alive before we die.
The next images were a little on the naughty side, but still…
“Republicans Turned Off by the Size of Obama’s Package”. No surprise there. They have been turned off by everything else about Obama.
“Tiger Woods Plays with Own Balls, Nike Says”. Hmmm, I thought. He’d have had a tough time making that argument stick during his divorce proceedings.
Sometimes, as this 1999 headline suggestions, the obvious simply cannot be over-stated: “Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25”. Sounds like a summer job for a statistics student, coming up with an in-depth analysis like that. Imagine the sighs of relief from readers who are parents of young people in those difficult teen years.
“Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons”. I wonder if this is the headline that led to the French saying. Quelle surprise.
Sometimes the obvious simply cannot be ignored. Like when the Toronto Star reported in 1996: “Marijuana Issue Sent to a Joint Committee”. If you have a problem, let the experts look after it, I suppose.
And, speaking of the obvious, how about “Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police”. Or anyone else, for that matter.
A newspaper called the News&Observer (I am not sure why the banner has no spaces. Perhaps it is so readers don’t have high expectations about the content) reported on the front page that “17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree”. Frustrating and sad for families, doctors and everyone involved, I am sure. They had such high hopes.
As fan of crime fiction and television shows, I am fascinated by unanticipated twists. I would not have seen this one coming: “Worker Suffers Leg Pain after Crane Drops 800-pound Ball on his Head”. I suppose the sudden addition of nearly a half-ton of weight might be hard on one’s knees, but even my vivid imagination can’t produce a picture of how this became part of the story. It wasn’t enough that the crane dropped an 800-pound ball on this guy’s head, and that he survived?
No great detective work was needed to reach this conclusion: “Bridges Help People Cross Rivers”. Just as planned, I am guessing. But could the following have really come as a surprise? “City Unsure why the Sewer Smells”. The mystery could probably be solved by checking its contents. But then I’m not an engineer, either.
“Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances”. But by how much, I wonder.
I hope Creston town council doesn’t embrace this idea: “Meeting on Open Meetings is Closed”. Unless, of course it also holds an open meeting about closed meetings.
My favourite of the bunch just might be “Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors”. This might have come following a study to determine why patients were dying at unusually high rates.
But I do admire this creative excuse: “Man with 8 DUIs Blames Drinking Problem”. “But I only drink before I drive, your honour. And when I’m thirsty.”
“The lady doth protest too much, methinks,” Queen Gertrude said in Hamlet. But not to the same extent as described in this headline: “Parents Keep Kids Home to Protest School Closure”.
Of course, sometimes it is obvious that the writer is simply having fun, and who wouldn’t, when “The Bra Celebrates a Pair of Historic Milestones this Year”. (Look at that pair of milestones. Va-va-voom!) If there was any doubt the sub-headline carries on with the theme: “After 100 years of innovation, the device still holds up”.
Okay, so none of these quite measure up to my all-time favourite. But the New York Post’s 1983 classic is simply not to be matched. “Headless Body in Topless Bar” is the result of a clever writer with an unusual story to tell.
Thanks to Ian for the laughs. Keep them coming!
Lorne Eckersley is the publisher of the Creston Valley Advance.
