Just for laughs and kicks, a few of us in the newsroom head to The Onion (America’s Finest News Service). You spend five or six minutes perusing the headlines and you leave the page smiling and full of positive energy.
The writers at The Onion are pretty much Saturday Night Live spoof writers. They poke fun at everybody and are highly creative.
In Friday’s sports section, there was a photo of recently fired New York Rangers head coach John Tortorella, holding a pen and apparently screaming at somebody at the train terminal.
The press release says Tortorella is currently wandering around the major rail terminal yelling at complete strangers to clear the puck into the neutral zone.
“C’mon! Cover the goddamn high slot and clear the zone!” said a disheveled and slightly off-balance Tortorella, who was reportedly screaming at an elderly couple about to board an Amtrak train to Boston.
“Wake up and get the forecheck going right now! I don’t want to hear any excuses – just get out there and either crash the net or move the puck out to point and put some effing shots on net!”
At The Onion press time, eyewitnesses confirmed that Tortorella was shouting at travelers in the Grand Concourse to gather around him to talk about the team’s “pathetic penalty kill.”
FIRST UPDATE: Reports just confirmed that Tortorella is shouting at a New Jersey Transit employee for missing a blatant cross-checking penalty on the boards.
SECOND UPDATE: According to sources, Tortorella is now incoherently shrieking about “getting the third line off the ice” while frantically pacing around the Penn Station food court.
Anyway, many hockey fans are wondering out loud whether Torts will be the next head coach of the Vancouver Canucks. Why not give the guy a shot?
Ex-Dallas Stars head coach Glen Gulutzan has already met with Canucks management so we could see the Canucks sign him and the Stars go with Alain Vigneault. That would be quite the scenario since the Dallas and Vancouver owners were once dance partners before it all blew up over the sale of the Canucks.
Uecker still cracking the jokes
Got up close and personal with Bob Uecker in Sun City back in the day when the Brewers were playing a Cactus League game in Arizona. The guy is a beauty and signs more autographs than most players.
There’s a statue of Uecker outside Miller Park in Milwaukee, so the St. Paul Pioneer Press asked the long-time broadcast voice of the Brewers what it’s like to be so honoured.
“Once I get it paid off,” he replied, “I’ll know.”
Uecker, a 78-year-old father of four, was given the title of “Mr. Baseball” by TV talk show host Johnny Carson.
Heat band together for Gardner
The Kamloops Heat are making a nice adjustment to the upper echelon of the Pacific Coast Soccer League’s Men’s Division while also honouring Thompson Rivers University teammate Seb Gardner of Vernon.
Gardner, who is battling cancer, showed up at a Heat league game in May.
“He was in good spirits and the guys were glad to see him,” said Heat co-coach Sean Wallace.
The Heat, who won the U21 title last year, are wearing arm bands this season with the name “Seb” on it in tribute to their popular teammate, who is hoping to make a second comeback in the future.
Seahawks home to Niners, Saints
Your smartest choices for a Seattle Seahawk home game this season will be Sept. 15 versus the Niners or Dec. 2 against the Saints. Both are Sunday contests.
The Seahawks also draw the Jags, Titans, Bucs, Vikings, Cards and Rams at Century Link Field. A tough road schedule takes the Seahawks to places like Tampa Bay, Houston, Indy, San Fran and New York (Giants).
If you can find a cheap flight to Phoenix and combine a Coyotes’ game with a Cards’ tilt, then try and find tickets for the Thursday, Oct. 17 Cards-Seahawks. The 2013-14 NHL schedule will be released soon.
Arizona, who now have Carson Palmer at quarterback, also hosts the Atlanta Falcons on Oct. 27, the Texans on Nov. 10 and the Niners on Sunday, Dec. 29.
